I’m not sure how to recap this week’s Vanderpump Rules without first invoking Scheana Shay’s heavily memed arm tattoo: “It’s all happening.”
In Wednesday’s extended—thank God!—episode, we see the continuation of Katie Maloney’s wrath following Tom Schwartz and Raquel Leviss’ makeout session last week. Garcelle Beauvais forces Lisa Vanderpump to employ her grown-ass son Oliver Saunders. Saunders takes Leviss on a date, despite his wife’s obvious objections, which leads to some funny mistress-bonding between Leviss and Lala Kent in a parking lot. And Tom Sandoval continues to make us itch.
Most importantly, we discover that Sandoval and Leviss’ affair—or at least, the suspicion of it—is, in fact, a storyline this season when Ally Lewber, of all people, brings some piping-hot tea to the group. Who knew this extremely dull woman, whose name I forget whenever she comes on screen, would add some value to this show outside of highlighting James Kennedy’s awfulness? But if Vanderpump Rules has taught us anything over the past decade—and especially the past few months—it’s that we should always prepare to be gobsmacked!
This episode, which I’m deeming an all-timer, is basically an hourlong showcase of Leviss and Sandoval’s individual rottenness mixed with some delicious moments of irony. Sandoval is still defending Schwartz’s right to make out with Leviss like it’s written in the Constitution, despite the fact that he made a concrete agreement with his ex-wife not to do so. When Maloney visits Sandoval and Ariana Madix’s home, the Tom Tom owner is insistent on minimizing Maloney’s feelings. (Apparently, a woman can’t break up with a guy and expect him not to humiliate her.) Thankfully, Madix is there to back up Maloney—though she draws the line at Maloney calling Leviss a “whore.” Unsurprisingly, so does Sandoval.
Meanwhile, Charli Burnett, who’s maybe filmed three scenes this entire season, scolds Leviss for making out with Schwartz during a park date. Overall, it seems like Leviss doesn’t understand that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. Likewise, she reiterates that Schwartz is single and that she wasn’t thinking about his past relationship with Maloney. Burnett hits back that she “wouldn’t do that to [her] worst enemy,” so Leviss assures Burnett that she’s not going to date Schwartz—as if it even matters at this point.
Later, at SUR, Sandoval decides to tell Leviss, who’s pretending to wait tables, that Maloney called her a whore—and in the creepiest way possible. When he and Schwartz sit down with Vanderpump for a business chat, he makes Leviss sit in between him and Scwhartz and stares at her with a creepy grin; he leers at her for so long that Vanderpump has to physically push him back. Then, like a 12-year-old boy, he tells Leviss about Maloney’s “whore” comment.
It’s been confirmed, at this point, that Sandoval and Leviss have kissed, so this whole conversation feels like some cheeky, fucked-up game between the two.
Sandoval’s ickiness doesn’t stop there—he continues to be the worst in another scene where he and Madix discuss plans to fertilize her frozen eggs. He tells Madix that he wishes she would agree with him more and that she makes him feel dumb. Firstly, Madix has been busting Sandoval’s chops for the entire nine years they’ve dated (she’s a comedian, after all!), and secondly, Sandoval regularly says things that are blatantly wrong (which is not her fault!). His complaints might be valid if he wasn’t currently sneaking around with Leviss; it’s safe to assume that being around a younger woman who primarily communicates through giggling has probably sparked these feelings.
He’s also clearly planting seeds to make his partner look bad once he’s inevitably outed for cheating. In another scene, he complains to Schwartz about his partner having opinions.
Then, we get into the Oliver fiasco, which…. I’m sorry, but this man is not hot or rich enough for all this drama! In the ultimate power move against the Fox Force Five, Beauvais has lunch with her son and Vanderpump at SUR and convinces her to hire him. She also calls Vanderpump’s rosé the best she’s ever had, which immediately seems untrue. Cut to a clip of Lisa Rinna promoting her sad sparkling wine on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Vanderpump and Saunders then fill Beauvais in on the Leviss situation. Based on his mother’s amused reaction, it seems like Saunders has already told his family that he and his wife, Samantha, are indeed dunzo. And it wasn’t just an on-the-spot lie to make out with Leviss—though whether he let Samantha know that is another story.
Speaking of that, Leviss and Saunders go on a date the same day that his estranged wife has been bashing him on social media for making out with Leviss. Leviss calls Samantha to apologize and proclaim her innocence in the matter. You’d think she’d call Saunders, too, and tell him to fuck off, but she goes on the date to let him explain his side. (Come on, Raquel!) Ultimately, they go their separate ways, but Leviss is still upset that she’s being called a homewrecker on social media.
Somehow, this episode continues to get juicer when Kent celebrates her birthday, and Leviss—who she hates—crashes the party. It’s fascinating to watch Leviss walk up to Kent’s table, where Maloney is also seated, with zero hesitation or shame; it certainly gives some context to how she partook in such a diabolical affair with Sandoval. Kent, of course, isn’t going to pass up a one-on-one scene with Leviss, so they go outside to chat.
Back inside, Maloney is high on vengeance and salacious gossip. Not only is she flaunting her new boy toy, who looks like a drunk drawing of Timotheé Chalamet, but she’s heard from Lewber that Sandoval and Leviss were seen together at The Abbey at one in the morning. When Sandoval tries to criticize her for “getting joy” out of laughing at Leviss, Maloney shoots back, “You get a lot of joy out of Raquel as well, I think.” Drops mic!
When Maloney mentions The Abbey to Sandoval, he simply replies, “What the fuck are you even saying, dude?” (So, clearly that happened.)
If this episode wasn’t disorienting enough, Kent and Leviss have the silliest heart-to-heart outside. Leviss apologizes for calling Kent a “bimbo mistress” a few weeks ago, and the two commiserate over being misled by men and being called mistresses on the internet. The episode ends with Kent giving Leviss some empowering and notably ironic advice: “You, my love, are not a mistress. Don’t let anybody tell you that we are.” The two hug and part ways in slow-motion while some upbeat guitar music plays. God, this show is incredible.